Saturday, December 24, 2005

The Big Picture 63

It’s Christmas Eve. The children are in bed, full as tics with grandma’s lemon squares and warm milk. The tree glistens with decorations. The house is clean and smells of fresh pine boughs. The dog is snoring, the neighbours have turned off their outdoor lights, you’ve watched A Christmas Carol and It’s A Wonderful Life, there’s nothing left to wrap and the phone will not ring for hours …. Now what the hell do you do with yourself?

If all this wholesomeness is making you feel like you’ve been living on Walton’s mountain, there’s a ready cure just waiting at the nearest modem – Christmas porn!

Yes, Christmas porn. You didn’t know about holiday themed blue movies, did you? You thought Christmas was all Bing Crosby and the Chipmunks. But why would the world’s most exploitative entertainment industry miss out on the year’s most easily exploited season?

Christmas erotica has been around as long as Christmas itself, and Christmas’s pagan predecessor, Yule, was hardly a time for pious self denial. Medieval Christmas pageants were full of dirty jokes and ribald antics, and Victorian gentlemen spread good cheer in the cigar room by passing around “French novelty” postcards decorated with nubile elves. All I’m advocating here is a return to solid, traditional Christmas values.

Those of you new to bedroom mistletoe mummeries will want to start with the basics: busty ladies in Santa outfits. Nothing says Happy Holidays! like a well set up young woman in red felt and white marabou. A good starter film is Pleasure Productions’ delightful Gina’s Very Merry Christmas Orgy, which follows the antics of title star Gina Lynn and her gal pals Trinity Maxx and Xandria as they make like minks at a large Christmas office party miraculously unlike any office party you’ve ever attended.

Gina is the kind of girl my Fundy-bred mother would call “a hard lookin’ ticket”, meaning that when life hands Gina a torn fishing net, Gina makes herself a pair of stockings. In this especially athletic episode, Gina finds herself wandering from room to room in a large, holly-bedecked mansion. In each room, one of her fellow relaxation therapists is spreading seasonal cheer, and baby oil, with a client, or three. Gina, a helpful sort, lends a hand. And a leg, and a thigh, and a torso. When Gina catches up with Trinity, the sharing and caring reaches new heights, as both ladies are blessed with a tender, giving nature that would bring Scrooge himself to his knees.

At Gina’s Christmas party, the office letch is a tall, blonde god with arms like stove pipes and a mind wholly unburdened by the concept of sexual harassment. In the true festive spirit, blondy has brought along his somewhat shy dark-haired pal, who is also blessed with a furnace-sized appendage. After a little coaxing, the brunette wallflower quickly blooms.

Throughout this holiday hayride, Gina and friends display an admirable devotion to Christmas tradition by sporting Mrs. Claus costumes trimmed in the fluffiest white fur and the cheeriest crimson plush. With the Yule log blazing hotly in the hearth, Gina sensibly opts for the beach wear version of Santa’s classic tunic and cap ensemble. Traditionalists may balk at this sartorial choice, but traditions should never be too constricting, or chafing, or, as Gina puts it, “all itchy and stuff.”


Christmas is a magical time, and Sheer Finesse’s Christmas Hose wonderfully recreates the awe and wonder of Christmas morning with the delightful tale of Natalie and Vikki, two lucky young ladies who wake up on December 25th to find that Santa has left them a life sized, fully operational doll.

Being sentimentalists, the girls quickly change into their best Christmas get ups - which include not only sequined miniskirt versions of St. Nick’s famous cloak, but also a wide selection of highly coveted holiday hosiery. Inspired by the luxury of fine silk, Natalie, Vikki, and their new toy Chloe spend Xmas morn admiring each other’s shapely legs and exquisite taste in lingerie. Party hats and noisemakers are employed in various frolics, and a new and novel use is found for the Christmas cracker.


In many European countries, Pere Noel performs a dual function – he rewards good children with candy and toys and gives beatings to bad children. This charming old world custom is brought to vivid life in two of the many, many adult movies that deal with Christmas parenting strategies: Star Maker Enterprise’s Spanked by Santa and the gay themed Santa’s Excellent Adventure, by Man’s Hand Films.

Spanked by Santa is set in the jolly old elf’s very own office, where Holly and Bill, two frisky elves, have been instructed to decorate the North Pole headquarters. Just like overexcited children, Bill and Holly are easily distracted and soon forget their Yuletide chores. Santa returns, and the forgetful elves are briskly reminded of the consequences of inattention.

Holly is particularly adept at looking both kittenish and sorrowful in her red Lycra tube top and snow white spiked boots, and Bill is suitably contrite when Santa dispenses his slappy Christmas benedictions. Like the best Hallmark Hall of Fame Christmas movies, everyone in Spanked by Santa undergoes a learning journey and feels markedly - emphasis on the marks - better after their trials and tribulations. Santa just can’t stay angry for long.

Similarly, Santa’s Excellent Adventure teaches the viewer that the best Christmas presents are the ones you don’t expect. In four vignettes, Santa visits a Naughty Little Brother, a stubborn Cowboy, a Spoiled Boy and two very bad Hunky Burglars. All five men are avowed non-believers who think Santa is just for kids. But Santa, each learns, is very real and very ready to prove it, and keeps on proving until it hurts. Santa’s Excellent Adventure offers up hard lessons (and harder bottoms), but Christmas can be a cruel time for young men who lack father figures.

These two films reinforce a belief I have held for years - Christmas is for masochists.